4 Traits I Will Bring Into the New Year
Updated: Mar 28
I know that doing a New Year’s Resolution is something that most people feel like is just…cliché. But this year I am actually excited to do one! It has nothing to do with working out or how I’m going to make these unrealistic expectations about life, and blah blah blah.
It’s all about how I’m going to enter into 2020, and live fully in the grace God has provided. The reason I am deciding to do this is that lately I have been trying to step into who I am, but I keep get yanked back. Whether that be the people that have known me for years still perceiving me as old Tanaya, or me trying to over exert myself to be what others expect, or just me not taking care of my spirit, mind and body.
So, here we go.
1. Even if the New Tanaya isn’t accepted, I will still be ME
This is a tough one. I have a lot of friends and family that have known me throughout my most growing stages. Stages that showed many sides that I’d rather not brag about. I mean, ya girl was a trip. Although I meant well in most of my situations, my delivery did not impact as positively as I’d hoped it would.
So, since I’ve grown so much and I have this new perspective on a lot of things, I still have those friends and family that perceive me as “Old Tanaya”. Although we look the same, we are not. Not everyone can accept the new you because they’re still holding on to the old you. That is totally true! I was having a conversation with my bridesmaids about another bridesmaid realizing they worked at the same time our fitting was starting. I said in the text “why would you accept it when you knew you had to work, woman?” If you know who I am, you would have read that in a laughing matter, because that is how I speak on a daily. I didn’t even write this with an attitude. BUT, when I sat down with one my bridesmaids, they said that they read it as me having an attitude. Because that is how I used to be.
During our fittings, I could tell that they were hesitant to have an opinion on their dresses. Even though I said I want them to be comfortable in whatever they wear. I’m literally giving them free reign. They also kept saying that I’m going to be a bridezilla, like they’re afraid that the other shoe is going to drop.
The bad part about all of this is that I know that I’m not that person anymore, but no one else realizes that. I am still picky on some things, but I don’t catch attitudes about small stuff like I used to. The problem is that I’m trying so hard to prove that I am not Old Tanaya, that it’s dampening my willingness to live in the moment.
I had a frown on my face after this conversation with my friend. I was upset that that part of me is still lingering in their minds. A part of me that I laid down a long time ago. But I understand because they were not witness to the hard work I have done to become who I am today. There are parts of me that I still have. I still like to make jokes, I still play around, I still have serious moments, but there is a difference in how I deliver my frustrations. Eventually, I hope they begin to see that.
2. I am cutting out toxicity at the start
Many of you that have seen my other posts, or know me in person, you should know that I have already began this journey. I have stopped talking to friends, family members, associates, co-workers, all because I refuse to allow my soul to be effected by toxic environments. Honestly, before I even decided to do that, I had to turn a HUGE mirror on myself. I had to learn to release the toxic behavior/traits that I was spreading around (one of them being my attitude).
I am leaving a job that has taken a bad toll on my mental health for almost 3 years. I have stopped allowing myself to get burned over and over again by constantly going back to toxic traits and behaviors. I have even stopped trying to “make nice” when I’m forced to deal with toxic people at work. I just let it roll off my back like water on a duck.
I mean, honestly, at the end of the day I cannot make their issues my issues unless I’ve specifically done something that impacted them in a bad way. It’s not my responsibility to fix them or the situation if it’s out of my control (which it probably is).
3. I’m showing up & showing out!
This may seem like a no-brainer, but I have always been the “performer”. I like to people please. I figured out that since I was getting bullied, used, and abused for so many years that I didn’t want to end up not having people like me. Because I’ve lived a pretty lonely life when it comes to friends and family because I never fit the “mold” of what kind of person I’m “supposed” to be. People that don’t know me, think that at first glance I always have an attitude. People associate my facial expressions (or lack thereof) as having RBF, and I’m also guilty of associating myself with it.
But I’d like to challenge that for just a second. If you were to put a few photos of a white, Black, and non-Black minority in a row, none of them smiling, which would you deem to have the RBF or demonstrate other “aggressive” expressions? The problem is that there are folks that have these unconscious biases about the “Angry Black Woman” trope and they don’t even realize it. Even expressing the same emotion as our non-Black counterparts, we are still deemed the angriest. Why? Go ahead and think about that one on your own.
Since there is nothing I can do to help other folks realize their own biases about me being the new Tanaya, a Black woman, a Black Christian, or a Black person in general, I am not going to bend over backwards to prove I am not the negative stereotype.
In the same token I am showing up authentically being who I was always meant to be. Sharing my emotions freely, stepping into uncomfortable situations, sharing my thoughts when needed, and learning when to shut the heck up. I am continuing to be honest with those around me, and myself.
I am still going to share encouragement, love, laughter, prayer, and I’m going to make sure I can do all I can to help people love who they are. I am not going to take into the new year all of the baggage that people have laid at my feet. The baggage I’ve picked up and swung over my shoulders to carry. I’m not taking to the new year the whispers behind my back. The people that have decided to label me unlovable, the people that try to keep me on a short leash or keep me around out of obligation. I am stepping fully into love, focusing on what God needs me to do while I’m here, and not surrounding myself with phony people, places, or things to feel like I am accepted.
I refuse to live life overly exerting myself or constantly explaining myself to feel accepted by those I love. If you don’t accept me as I am, I mean ALL of me, as I do you, then DEUCES.
4. I don’t have to be close to ERRBODY
I had this discussion with a friend after we talked about my last blog post. I explained to her that I am not going to force relationships, life has too many options for me to force to be around folks that are afraid to move deeper than the surface. BUT, I also want to add that it’s okay if I have a surface relationship with some folks, and a deeper relationship with others. I show sides of me that the person I’m in a relationship is privy to see. But I will limit how much of myself you see unless we grow into a stronger relationship (if we ever do).
In doing that, I stepped back from a few friendships and other relationships because I realized that I was sharing too much of myself and they were/are not in the mindset to receive me as I received them. So, lesson learned. *shrugs*. I really don’t want this to be confused though, just because I step back from relationships doesn’t mean that I have an issue with anyone or that I will treat other people badly. That is a trait I let go of a LONG time ago. I step back and I live my life to the fullest, and I accept you as you are whether or not you accept me. Because life is more important than wondering who likes me and who doesn’t.
No Bitter Becky’s over here!
That’s all I have for you, folks! Show up and glow up next year. Fix what you can fix while you can, love hard, let go of things out of your control (like how others see you), and live free. Next year, I plan to live freely. No stereotypes holding me back, no tainted images of me holding me back, none of my past holding me back. When you’re ready, my hand is waiting to bring you up there with me.
Never let anyone stop you from being the BEST you… And stop explaining yourself.